RITUAL: For Heartbreak.
For those who are gracious enough to send me questions about heartbreak.
I often get asked about heartbreak. To be honest, I don’t know everything about it, but like you, my heart has been broken before.
When I am asked about how to move on, I assume that at the heart of these questions is what I have also asked myself in those exact moments, “How do I heal? How does it to stop hurting? Does it stop hurting?”
And eventually I’ve also wondered, “How do I not allow this old heartbreak define the choices that I make for myself today?”
I don’t know the answers, but I will humbly tell you what has helped me. Though, one thing I must say is, take my words with a grain of salt. Even though we are in the same boat, you and I are unique, so what has been helpful to me, may not be to you. So, if at any point my words do not resonate, throw them out and follow your own, even if those words don’t quite make sense yet…your intuition is always the truest place.
I was asked this question again recently, and decided to share incase it might be helpful to someone who has wondered but didn’t ask. Below are some words to people with a broken hearts and a question, “how do I move on?”.
It’s very different for everyone, and I also think that the expectation of “moving on” shouldn’t be that it’s a clean and clear process, it’s like brushing your hair, a slow process of untangling. As I’ve said in my memoir, “I guess I expected that letting go would be like finishing a novel you were reading. But letting go turned out to be much more like rereading a poem over time, and seeing different meanings within the words, separate and combined.”
I also think it’s a process that, though painful and confusing at times, is a gift and an opportunity for self-discovery and self-love, because it’s painful and confusing at times.
So knowing that your process will look different than mine, here are some things that have helped me:
Make a list of everything that makes you smile, and then do them all. They don’t have to cost anything: taking a walk or drive on your favourite street, playing with a puppy, or putting your feet on some grass or sand by some big tree or big ocean.
Remind yourself that you are exactly where you need to be, where you are meant to be, no faster, no slower, not behind, not too far ahead, not too sad nor too happy, not too anything. You are just fine exactly the way you are.
You may not be able to change the unchangeable things, but when you feel that staying in the situation you are already in, is no longer supporting your happiness, change the things you can...even if it’s just the way you see it.
Be gentle, gentle, gentle to yourself. But be honest, honest, honest with yourself too.
Feel sad, feel happy, feel angry, feel confused, feel sorry, feel good. It’s ok, acknowledge them, let them exist. Emotions in moments won’t really define you, they too shall pass. Give yourself the permission and space to feel without shame, knowing that, if you desire healing and goodness to your core, you will always find yourself there eventually.
Move your body and get some blood going, open the window and let in some fresh air, listen to music and dance it out, go for a walk and breathe something new. Take a break from it from time to time.
Celebrate every milestone, every tiny win, every moment you feel better, every small step. Celebrate yourself and the lessons half-learned: the day you no longer slept on “your side” of the bed, or when you heard “that song” or ordered “that thing” at that restaurant and it didn’t feel sad. Just see that you are moving and celebrate that.
I found that, even though it gets easier in some ways, that the farther we go, the process changes or the way we feel about it changes from confusion to gratitude, so it never really ends. I’ve never stopped seeing new facets of my past. It’s still frustrating and painful sometimes, but I recognize now that happiness and pain can both exist, they are not mutually exclusive. That moments of sadness or learning don’t need to end in order for me to live a full and incredibly joyful life too.
And finally, I believe every experience happens like a gift for us, not a tragedy against us. I know it’s a specific way to think, and it’s not for everyone…but I do believe it. Though, it poses a sometimes tortuous, sometimes scary, character-defining question - what can I learn about myself here? What do I know now that I didn’t know then? How am I wiser, stronger, more compassionate, more me because of this? Can I love myself even more than I did yesterday? Can I accept myself in all iterations, in and for all ages? Can I forgive…not only them, but myself? Can I be grateful, even, knowing this experience has made me, perfectly me? Then celebrate once again, this beautiful, compassionate, loving and strong person…and drop that sad story like a heavy rock. And with a smirk, move forward…because you can and you feel like it.